I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize