I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
