On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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