I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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