that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
