I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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