you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
