I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
