It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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