census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
