I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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