FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
