At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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