So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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