just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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