she woke up with a sticky ear
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
