i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
