my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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