I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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