this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
