maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
