We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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