mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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