She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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