I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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