my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I fill condoms, not promises.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
