My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
