her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
