at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
