it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize