shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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