She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I had to cum in my sink.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
