He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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