my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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