Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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