Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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