I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
