I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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