If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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