you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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