oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
