What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
