the condom got lost in my hair
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
