If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
