Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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