I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
