I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
