our cab driver is having phone sex.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
