why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
