You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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