I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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