get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
