My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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