Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
