Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
