I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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