my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
