the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
